On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
