youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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