Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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