Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
