Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
