ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Randomize
