Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
