Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
