dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
