I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
