The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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