booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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