My first STD was from a foam party
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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