1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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