someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
