why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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