Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
