my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Semen is not good for contacts.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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