In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
