They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
