dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize