i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize