I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
