Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
