i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
