He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
