they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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