Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
