I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
