Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
