I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
