He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
