Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
