Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
