I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
