I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
