FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
