Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
