BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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