just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
