Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
