He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
