So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
