I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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