Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
