Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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