he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
