You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I queefed so loud it echoed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
