I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
