Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
