I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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