i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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