does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
